Self-reflection is deeply ingrained in discussions surrounding emotional intelligence and widely touted as the way to self-improvement, but could it actually be hurting you?
According to Harvard Business Review, self-reflection is the act of looking back on your day to evaluate your thoughts and actions without regret. The key point here, though, is those two words at the end of the sentence, “without regret”. Effective self-reflection means contemplating your behaviors without beating yourself up for it. Easy in theory, difficult in practice.
The Analogy
In my mind, self-reflection is akin to completing a graded assignment. That score received for that assignment will either signify a job well done and boost that student’s confidence, or be poor and instill feelings of disappointment, shame, and inadequacy.
The method of rote feedback in schools evolved as a way for teachers to assess larger groups of students, at a time when class sizes were increasing. It provided a means of standardization through a universal scoring system, effectively moving away from detailed, growth-based feedback.
The grading system is widely popular in modern education, but it is not without its critics. In 1918, economist Thorsten Velben was quoted as saying the “system of academic grading and credit… progressively sterilizes all personal initiative and ambition that comes within its sweep.” In other words, students are taught to stifle their creativity or refrain from indulgent exploration around a topic in order to achieve a worthy score.
The Downfall
I see self-reflection working in the same way. Daily self-reflection can lead to heavy self-critiquing and adaptation of behaviors to prevent future embarrassing situations or interactions. The trouble comes when so many adjustments are made that eventually the person loses sight of who they truly are.
Or, because that personally is constantly analyzing themselves, they discover patterns in their thoughts, behaviors, and actions that reflect poorly. Just like a stream of bad grades can wear down a student’s academic confidence, noticing recurring patterns of undesirable behavioral tendencies can wear down a person’s self-esteem.
If self-reflection leads to too much course-correcting or creates unhappiness from the observed behaviors, a detrimental downward spiral may be imminent.
The Strategy
Self-reflection is a great way to help yourself improve, but those who engage in it should also be aware of how negative thinking can hijack it. Here are three strategies to help protect yourself from hurtful self-reflections:
- Don’t grade yourself so harshly. It is all to easy to quickly assign poor “scores” to behaviors you look upon less favorably. If this happens, try to remove yourself from it and approach the situation from another perspective. Imagine someone you love exhibited those behaviors. How would you “grade” that behavior. Most of the time, you will find you are grading yourself harsher than is necessary.
- Be gentle in the way you address your behaviors. Negative talk, like gossip, is so easy to participate in. Train yourself to be kind to yourself and leave room for grace if you don’t get it right away.
- Double the positive reflections. If you do find negativity creeping up in your self-reflections, make an effort to list twice as many positive reflections. This means that for every scenario you reflect upon poorly, list two positives that came out of it.
As a bonus tip, decide how detrimental some trait or behavior is to the grand scheme of your life. If you see it becoming a problem in the long run, find ways to improve that area without beating yourself up for it. Approach it as a skill you already know but need to tune up a bit. If it doesn’t affect your overall quality of life, perhaps it’s not worth dwelling on.
The Final Message
Self-reflection is a great way to empower yourself, improve yourself, and help yourself to achieve your potential — if done correctly. Be as tough as you need to be to help yourself reach your goals, but don’t forget to take care of the fragile self behind it all.
Thanks for reading!
Sources
Bailey, J. R., & Rehman, S. (2022, March 4). Don’t Underestimate the Power of Self-Reflection. Harvard Business Review; Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2022/03/dont-underestimate-the-power-of-self-reflection
McNutt, C. (2022, August 8). A Brief History of Grades and Gradeless Learning | Human Restoration Project | Chris McNutt. http://Www.humanrestorationproject.org. https://www.humanrestorationproject.org/writing/a-brief-history-of-grades-and-gradeless-learning
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